


Terrible But Great

by SpoonyLupin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Horcruxes, Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, POV Tom Riddle, Rise of Voldemort, Tom Riddle's Diary, Young Tom Riddle
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-12-03 14:29:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11534160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpoonyLupin/pseuds/SpoonyLupin
Summary: When young Tom Riddle first becomes curious about a possible quest for immortality, he comes across the term 'Horcrux'. Thus begins his mission to find out what this elusive word means and why no one, as far as he knows, has ever before attempted what sounds like a dream come true.





	Terrible But Great

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including, but not limited to, Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros. Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

I neatly packed my Potions book into my bag and slung it casually over my shoulder. I lingered a while until the rest of the students had filed out of the classroom before I said, “Sir?”

Professor Slughorn looked up from the pages of homework he was currently thumbing through. “Tom,” he said in surprise. “I thought you’d gone. You don’t want to miss dinner.”

“I won’t,” I replied, closing in on Slughorn’s desk. I licked my lips. “I was just wondering if you’d be able to do me a favor.”

“A favor, Tom?” Slughorn asked, tilting his head. “You do ask me for quite a few, don’t you?” I swallowed hard at his words, but then he smiled. “Well, after such a generous Christmas gift, how could I say no?“ He fingered the extra-long quill that sat atop his desk. The quills of it were fluffy and long, from some beautiful bird with luxurious feathers. The tip was gold and engraved with the initials H.S.

I tried to hide the smirk that threatened to take over my face. It was simply so easy sometimes to manipulate Slughorn. Not that that was what I was doing necessarily. I was simply asking him for favors to help in answering the many questions I had about the wizarding world. That’s what any teacher would want for his students, isn’t it? To be curious about things and to want to do some extra work to learn all he could?

“Well,” I drawled, stepping right up to the front of his desk. I rested the tips of my fingers on the polished surface. “I was simply curious about something. In class, you keep making reference to a book called _Moste Potente Potions_. I know it’s kept in the Restricted Section of the library, but I’d really like to read through it.” I paused, looking up at Slughorn and trying to assess his reaction. He was only watching me with quiet inquisitiveness.

When he didn’t say anything, I pulled a small slip of paper out of my pocket with the title of the book on it. I laid it down on the top of his desk, sliding it towards him. “I thought it might really give me some greater insight into the types of potions that are out there and what can be done with them. It might even help me to become a better student than I already am. Help me out a little bit with my upcoming N.E.W.T.s. next year.” I gave him the most charming smile I could.

“Oh, Tom,” Slughorn said, and for a moment, I thought he was going to deny me. Then he shook his head in that way of his that told me he was caving to my request. “I’m sure you’ll already be getting fine grades on your N.E.W.T.s. You’re the brightest student in your year. Not to mention, how can you possibly do any better in my classes than you already do? There’s nothing higher than Outstanding, after all. I’m not sure about any of your other classes, but you tend to get a fair number of Outstandings in those too, don’t you?”

“Yes, sir.” For once, I wasn’t quite so happy about the fact that I was an overachiever. If I was a poor student, would Slughorn be more eager to let me peruse the Restricted Section in the hope that I would be able to learn something useful? But still, his tone suggested that he was a far way from flat out refusing my request. My mind quickly switched gears, and I said, “How do you think I got to be such a good student? Because I read anything and everything I can to help me understand the subject matter better. That’s probably why a lot of the other students don’t do quite so well. They don’t bother to do any schoolwork above what they’re required. They do the bare minimum to get by, and…it shows. There are so many other things related to what we’re learning that could really heighten our understanding. Things that you and the other professors here couldn’t teach us even if school lasted for a hundred years. But many of the other students just don’t have the drive to do so. They’d rather do what they have to and then squander away the rest of their time on meaningless activities,” I scoffed, then shrugged. “I’m not like that, sir, and I just thought you’d like to help me learn as much as I could.”

“All purely for academic purposes,” Slughorn said, nodding. He always seemed to say that whenever I came to him with unusual requests. If that was what it took to convince himself, that was his own business.

“Of course,” I said simply. “I just…have a thirst for knowledge, I suppose.”

“Ah,” Slughorn hummed happily, “I suppose I can’t argue with that! A boy after my own heart.” He bent over and dipped his newly gifted quill into a bottle of ink. When he withdrew it, I could see the ink collecting in the indentations where his initials were etched into the metal.

As he signed my permission slip, he continued on, “There are so many intricacies to Potions that one cannot hope to learn in seven years. I am so glad that you have such a deep-rooted interest just like I did!” He straightened up, holding the piece of paper out for me. “You haven’t given any thought to becoming a Potions Master, have you? Because you’d do well. Perhaps even replace me someday after I retire.”

I was only half listening to him as he rambled on. He had signed my permission slip and that was all I cared about. As my fingers closed around the piece of parchment, my heard pounded just a little bit hard. I was that much closer to getting the information that I wanted. The information that I hungered for.

It was then that I realized, however, that Slughorn was still waiting for a reply. I blinked. I sometimes had a habit of not paying attention to certain things because I was so focused on something else. This would be one of those times.

I didn’t want him to know I hadn’t really been listening, so I said, “Of course, sir.” It seemed to be a catch-all response to him a lot of the time. I only hoped that it was at least relevant to the conversation, and wouldn’t paint me in a bad light. Merlin only knew what in the hell he wanted to know.

“I knew it!” Slughorn said proudly. He hooked his thumbs into the belt around his trousers, puffing out his stomach even more than it already was. “I can always recognize students who share my passion for potions. Two peas from the same pod, aren’t we, Tom?”

I gave him the best smile I could. “You could say that, sir, yes.” In reality, however, I didn’t think I had anything in common with Slughorn, except for the fact that we had both been in Slytherin. That was something I didn’t quite comprehend, though. Had Slughorn really been sorted into the house of the great and noble Slytherin? My own ancestor? Not that I thought much of most of the people in my family, true, but Slytherin more than made up for it. I was more than proud to be descended from him, proud of all he had stood for and wanted for this school. It was such a pity that Muggle lovers like Dippet and Dumbledore were the kind of teachers that the school had now, prone to running it into the ground.

Slughorn didn’t add much to it either. Oh, I pretended to like him, but that really couldn’t be further from the truth. I had always found him a bit silly and easily gullible. All it took were a few flattering words and a thoughtful gift, and Slughorn will crumbled. He had always told me he had been a good student at school, and I didn’t know why he would lie about that, but that seemed to be about the _only_ thing he was good at. What did he do now? Other than teach Potions in what I supposed was a rather capable way, about all he was talented at was “collecting” students.

A lot of the time, the students didn’t even want to go to his silly old parties, but they felt compelled to go nonetheless. Some of them were worried they would make Slughorn feel bad and found he was hard to say no to. I only continued to go, because I thought that avoiding them would be a good way to get on Slughorn’s bad side. If I wanted him to continue to do favors for me, it was a small price to pay.

Slughorn liked to boast now about all the students he had collected over his career, but what did that get him? Free tickets to Quidditch once in a while and a good price on robes at things. Not too much to be proud of, and I really didn’t see what he had to brag about. So he was good at finagling students to go to parties and do him favors later in life. If that was all he had to his name, it wasn’t much.

It was a bit disappointing, really, that the standard of Slytherin house had fallen so low. I would change that, however. Once I out of school and able to speak freely of my heritage, I’d made Slytherin a good name again. One to be both feared and admired.

I had long ago lost interest in the conversation, and I really didn’t want to stand there chatting with Slughorn about his love of potions. I just wanted to take my newly signed piece of paper and make a quick trip to the library. Or a long one, depending on what I found.

Perhaps Slughorn sensed this, because he said, “Well, off you go! I wouldn’t want you to miss dinner on account of me.”

I nodded appreciatively and said, “Thank you again, sir.” I held up my permission slip. “You can’t know just how much this is going to help me.”

“Of course, dear boy!” Slughorn said. “Of course. It is what I’m here for – to further your teaching in any way that I can. I’m only too happy to help a student who seeks to improve is magical knowledge and to perhaps one day follow in my footsteps of becoming a Potions Master.”

I edged out of the room, trying to contain a laugh. Follow in _his_ footsteps? Was he mad? Oh, I was going to follow in someone’s footsteps, all right, but it certainly wasn’t his.

As I turned the corner around the doorway, I gave Slughorn the biggest and most genuine smile I could, hoping that I didn’t look too conspicuous. Slughorn was really wearing on me, and it wouldn’t do to make him suspicious about my true motives. Not to mention, I hoped that he wouldn’t be at dinner. If he didn’t see me there, he just might grow leery of me anyway. Or perhaps he would assume that I was much too excited about my newfound ability to read Moste Potente Potions that he would assume I just went straight to the library. I hoped it was the latter, because the last thing I wanted was to raise any red flags.

I hurried on through the corridors, flying up the steps to the entrance hall. The smells coming out of the Great Hall were amazing, and my stomach grumbled. I was hungry and could do with some food, but this was much too important to wait. I’d sneak down to the kitchens later and get something to eat on my own.

Continuing on to the library, I received a rather stern look from Madam Pince when I entered. She was seated behind her desk as usual, and when she saw me, she asked, “Isn’t it dinnertime? I thought most students were heading down to eat right about now.”

“Er…yes, ma’am,” I muttered. One could always count on the strict librarian to rain on your parade. But I just wanted to do some extra reading for class (or that was my guise). Surely she couldn’t be entirely upset about that. “I just got this from Professor Slughorn though.” I proudly held out my permission slip to her. “He gave me permission to look up this book in the Restricted Section.”

I hoped that this wouldn’t prove to be a flaw in my plan. _Moste Potente Potions_ wasn’t really the book I wanted to check out. In actually, I had simply wanted to browse the entire Restricted Section for something in particular. Hopefully Madam Pince wouldn’t see fit to come with me and to make sure I was only looking up the book I’d requested. It wouldn’t do to have my entire plan crushed by one nosey librarian.

Madam Pince looked over the slip then raised her eyes to me again, staring over the rim of her glasses. “I see,” she said simply, staring down at the piece of parchment again. “ _Moste Potente Potions_ , hm?” she hummed. “Rather interested in Potions, are we?”

“Yes, ma’am,” I said, trying to keep my tone enthusiastic. The problem with that was, I was feeling anything but. The excitement I had been feeling just moments before had melted away into fear. Fear that she wouldn’t let me search through the Restricted Section like I’d wanted. Fear that she’d keep me from achieving what I ultimately desired. One silly librarian, too overprotective of her books, could ruin everything for me.

“Professor Slughorn is my favorite teacher, you know,” I lied, trying not to scowl as the words came out. “He’s inspired me to learn more about it.”

With one final distrustful look, Madam Pince got up from her seat and led me over to the section of the library that was roped off from the rest. A large sign hung over the entrance that said ‘Restricted Section’. Madam Pince opened the small rope gate there for me, standing aside to let me pass through.

“Do you need me to help you find it?” she asked, shaking the piece of paper in her fingers.

“No,” I said, then inwardly cringed when it came out much too enthusiastically. I couldn’t make myself seem too excited. I had to display some enthusiasm, or she wouldn’t believe that I was truly interested in doing further reading. On the other hand, if I seemed too eager, she would definitely get suspicious.

“I’m familiar with how the library works,” I said, letting out a soft chuckle. “I can find it on my own.”

She continued to watch me suspiciously, like she knew I was up to something, but she didn’t move from her spot. When I turned a corner around a row of bookcases, I only hoped that she wouldn’t follow me to make sure I was really looking for that particular book.

Then again, I decided it was in my best interests to look up the book anyway. It wouldn’t do if she came looking for me after all to be found with something else entirely. It just might be the end to students being able to freely browse the Restricted Section at all (as long as they hard permission, that was). Madam Pince might start monitoring any student that entered the section, making sure that they were doing exactly what it was they were supposed to. I couldn’t jeopardize that for myself.

I checked the alphabetical signs at the end of each bookshelf, checking for the one that read ‘M’. I didn’t want to waste too much time, so I hurried down that row, my eyes going quickly over each shelf of books. And then there it was. I couldn’t believe my luck that I had stumbled upon it so quickly. I plucked the large, heavy tome off the shelf and stuffed it under one of my arms. I didn’t come all this way to waste what precious little time I had, because it would only be so long before Madam Pince started wondering where I was. It didn’t take _that_ long to find a book.

The problem was, I wasn’t even entirely sure what it was I was looking for. I knew the subject I wanted to look up, but what book it might be in or where it might be located was anyone’s guess. I supposed, however, that there was only one place for me to start, so I backtracked a bit to the row labeled ‘I’.

I slowly started down the aisle, taking my time to look over single title. There were actually a lot of books that could help me in my quest – _Immortality and Potions_ , _Immortality: The Quest for the Fountain of Youth_ , and _Immortality in the Twentieth Century_ were just a few of the titles I saw that stuck out to me. It was a veritable gold mine, and it was all mine for the taking.

I finally settled on _Immortality: Seeking Eternal Life_. Something about that particular book struck my fancy in a way that the others didn’t. I took that one along with _Moste Potente Potions_ to a table in the corner. First, I opened _Moste Potente Potions_ to a page that I thought was appropriate for me to be reading just in case Madam Pince decided to come and check on me. Next, I opened the large tome on immortality, searching for the subject of my desires.

The first thing I came across was something called the Elixer of Life, which was supposed to make the drinker immortal. It was explained in great detail, but I didn’t think it sounded like a very probable idea. While it would serve my desires, there were a couple things wrong with it that I didn’t like. Firstly, one had to keep drinking the potion regularly in order to remain immortal. That sounded like nothing but a hassle to me. What if something happened and one wasn’t able to get to the potion when they needed to? That could prove disastrous. More over, the Elixer of Life was made from the Sorcerer’s Stone, and according to this book, there was only one currently in existence. Fat chance of had of ever coming across that, and even if I did, it would surely make me a target. It was obviously valuable and would most likely be sought after; what if I procured it, only for it to be stolen?

I also came across a reference to unicorn’s blood. I had already known about this one, as it was mentioned in Defense Against the Dark Arts, and how it was very a bad thing. Something about the blood cursing your life for the rest of your existence. Not that I really cared about that – wasn’t searching for immortality in the first place already delving into some possibly cursed things? Not to mention, I had already gotten up to some things that other people would consider rather cursed, and I hadn’t let that stop me. I fingered the Gaunt family ring that I now never removed, smiling slightly.

Still I searched. What ultimately turned me off of unicorn’s blood was the same problem with the Elixer of Life – what if something happened, and one wasn’t able to get to it in time?

I even came across what sounded like a fable way in the back of the book. It made reference to a supposedly well-known fairy tale (although I had never heard of it) called _The Three Brothers_. It was about three things collectively known as the Deathly Hallows – the Elder Wand, the Resurrection Stone, and the Cloak of Invisibility – which supposedly made one the master of death. While these piqued my interest more so than the others had, I really couldn’t consider them a possibility right now. What were the chances of me being able to find them, especially now that I was in school? Someday, perhaps, but they really weren’t something I could count on in the short term. Anyway, they sounded more like an aid in keeping someone alive, but not completely foolproof, which was what I was really after.

I sighed. There had to be something to suit my needs. And then I saw it. There, at the very bottom of the page, almost like it was hidden there like a dirty secret, was something I hadn’t seen before. It read:

_See also: Horcrux._

I frowned deeply, wondering what this word meant. I turned the page hurriedly, eager to find out more, but there wasn’t anything more written about it. It was the last page of the book in fact, and it started on the index. I flipped through this quickly, searching for the term Horcrux, but it wasn’t listed there either. I even turned to the front of the book, going over the table of contents, but there wasn’t anything there about Horcruxes either.

Slamming the book shut in frustration, I let out a soft growl of annoyance. I couldn’t explain why, but I felt a deep and intense urge to find out what this word meant. It could be nothing. It could be just another silly potion that one had to rely on, but there was a tiny part in me that held out hope that it would be what I was looking for. How dare the book mention it like that and then not even follow up on it, like dangling a ferret in front of a hippogriff!

Back to the old drawing board, I decided. I took _Immortality: Seeking Eternal Life_ back to where I had found it and quickly slipped it back into its waiting slot. Instead of looking through the other books in the section, however, I backtracked again to the shelf before, the one labeled ‘H’. I scoured and scoured these shelves for what seemed like ages, searching for any book that might be about this new coveted word I sought – _Horcrux_.

When that failed, I just started browsing the bookshelves at random, still hoping for that word to pop out at me somewhere. It didn’t. It was almost like it didn’t exist. If I didn’t know any better, I almost would have thought that I was imagining things, but I knew I hadn’t. That word stayed in my mind, almost like someone had burned it into my brain. _Horcrux_.

“Tom?” suddenly came Madam Pince’s voice from around the corner.

Swearing under my breath, I abandoned my search and hurried back over to the table in the corner where I had left _Moste Potente Potions_. I pretended I was engrossed in something very interesting in it when Madam Pince finally poked her head around a bookshelf.

“I thought you’d gotten lost in here,” she said. “Did you find what you were looking for?”

“I did,” I said, holding the heavy book up for her to see. “I just got interested in reading.”

“You have permission,” Madam Pince said, “you can take it with you.”

“That won’t be necessary,” I said with a curt smile. I closed the book and laid it in her hands. “I found what I was looking for, but thanks anyway.” Without looking back, I turned and fled the Restricted Section, leaving Madam Pince with (what I was sure was) a puzzled look on her face.

I left the library feeling as excited as I did unsatisfied. While the possibility of a _Horcrux_ (whatever that was) raised some curiosity and interest in a potential type of magic that I didn’t know about, I felt I was still back at square one. I had no idea what a _Horcrux_ was or how to find out. I felt rather confident that it wouldn’t be mentioned in any books in the regular section of the library. I did some leisurely reading quite a bit, and I had never come across the term before. Plus, I had first heard about it in the Restricted Section of all places. While not every single piece of information contained there was highly secretive, I felt for certain that a _Horcrux_ was. The way it was almost carelessly left at the bottom of the page, almost like the author was too ashamed to even mention it or elaborate on it.

I rather doubted I’d be able to return to the Restricted Section any time soon anyway. It had already taken some convincing to get permission from Slughorn in the first place. I couldn’t see going to any other teacher; true, a lot of them favored me, although not quite in the way that Slughorn did, and I’d raise Slughorn’s suspicions by asking again too soon. He could be thick and prone to being flattered, but he wasn’t stupid. He’d only wonder why I hadn’t gotten the book I’d wanted out of the Restricted Section in the first place, and he’d want to know why I wanted to go back again so soon. I’d have to come up with another book I’d want to check out, something that I could feasibly make Slughorn believe I was innocently interested in, and I thought I’d be hard-pressed to find another. Certainly not one that suited my needs as _Moste Potente Potions_ had.

More over, I still had no idea what book I really wanted. There were so many books in the Restricted Section; I could spend ages looking and never find what I wanted. I couldn’t very well ask Madam Pince or even Slughorn where I might find information about Horcruxes. I was already imagining these things to be part of some very dark magic, and although their reactions might be amusing, I really didn’t want to find out.

I’d had my chance, and I’d squandered it away!

Not entirely though. I still had that word dangling in my head like a jewel – Horcrux. I only wondered how I could go about learning what it was.

~~~~~~~~~~

I laid in my bed that night with the curtains closed, and the more I went over it in my mind, the more I realized that I wasn’t going to get what I needed from Slughorn. I needed an as detailed as possible description of what Horcruxes were. Slughorn might give me a quick overview, but even he wouldn’t be fooled into giving too much away. Even if he have a full understanding of them, which I was beginning to doubt. If Horcruxes were common knowledge, I thought I would have heard about them somewhere before now. They may be dark and dangerous – which their almost entire absence from the Restricted Section suggested – but I found their complete lack of mention almost disconcerting.

We’d even learned about the use of unicorn’s blood in immortality. It was taught that the use of it was beyond reprehensible, yes, but at least it was mentioned. Why hadn’t anyone even hinted at the fact that there was something apparently called a Horcrux, if only to warn us against them? That seemed to be what Hogwarts was good at, after all – warning us again gaining too much power.

What I needed was access to books, something that went much further than the Restricted Section of Hogwarts’ library. And then it hit me – we were scheduled to go to Hogsmeade on an upcoming weekend before the Christmas holidays. I usually didn’t bother with Hogsmeade trips much anymore. They had long since lost their appeal and novelty, but I made an exception when I wanted to purchase something that I thought might come in handy. Such as Slughorn’s gold-tipped quill, which I had purchased during the Halloween trip, and had been saving for the perfect moment.

My only concern was that Hogsmeade’s bookshop, Tomes and Scrolls might not cater to what I wanted to look up. Surely Hogwarts would take issue with a bookshop that carried such subject matter so close to the school itself that was trying to keep out of its students’ hands. Then again, I doubted whether Hogwarts had much say over it. They might complain, sure, but Tomes and Scrolls was a bookshop, after all, that served Hogsmeade, not a school. They needed to carry books that the people of Hogsmeade wanted to read, and there had to be at least a few witches and wizards who would be interested in things like Horcruxes, if only out of curiosity.

My thoughts once again turned to who I thought was the only teacher who I could both possibly trust with something I thought was potentially this dark, and who could be fooled into giving away that information. Slughorn might not be completely worthless from this point forward, however. Perhaps he still might be able to offer some insight if I had any questions about Horcruxes after reading up on the subject. Books couldn’t explain every little intricacy and answer every possibility on the subject.

On the other hand, I thought it might be dangerous to go to Slughorn with something like this again. Had that been a note of suspicion I’d detected in his voice the last time I’d talked to him? A hint of hesitancy? Could I possibly trick him into revealing too much through my use of careful flattery?

I’d need to bring him another gift, I decided, but I didn’t want it to be too frivolous this time. As much as Slughorn liked to be appreciated and admired (he absolutely ate it up), another expensive gift like his gold-tipped quill might be overkill. Just a small token of my appreciation for letting me into the Restricted Section might work out okay.

I also had to think very carefully about what I was going to say to him. I wasn’t entirely sure how to even bring up the subject with him. Could I casually say that I had come across the word in the Restricted Section. Would he believe that? It was the truth, after all, but depending on what the word actually meant, he might get suspicious that I supposedly came across the word in _Moste Potente Potions_. That was what I had originally wanted Slughorn’s permission to look up after all. If he found out that I had used misused his consent to peruse the Restricted Section at my leisure, I doubted he’d ever trust me again. Not to mention, Slughorn seemed like he was well-versed about what was and was not in _Moste Potente Potions_. If Horcruxes were as dark as I suspected they were, surely Slughorn would know the difference.

I couldn’t exactly say that I had bought a book about it in Hogsmeade either, even though that was what I fully intended to do. Even out of curiosity, I thought that would definitely look dodgy. School students didn’t just randomly buy books about – again, what I assumed where – dark things, especially not sixth year students. This was the age when we were learning to stand on our own, where our magic was getting to the point of being self-sufficient. If I even hinted at the fact that I was that interested in something dark, Merlin only knew what could happen. Dumbledore might even hear about it somehow, and then all my carefully constructed manipulation of Slughorn would come crashing down. Hogwarts was supposed to be producing good students, not dark wizards.

Sighing, I turned over onto my side, my thoughts turning to a different aspect of the subject. I hungered for this knowledge so badly, so surely there had to be a way to get to it. I only hoped that my trouble would be worth my while. After all, wizards had all this magical knowledge at their disposal, and yet, they hadn’t come up with a good and clear cut way to cheat death? What was the point of all of this magic in the first place if I could so easily succumb to the same thing that had killed my mother?

It still didn’t make any sense to me. She had apparently died of “natural causes”, but she was young and healthy. There was absolutely no reason for her to have died. No reason for me to have grown up in an orphanage. To have to go back there every year for summer holidays. At least I was almost of age, and Professor Dippet allowed me to stay at Hogwarts during the summer holidays now. I had some issues with the way Hogwarts was run, yes, but it was a far cry over the orphanage at any rate. Once Hogwarts was over, I never had to go back to that place ever again.

Couldn’t my mother have used some of her magical powers to prevent what had happened? I supposed one couldn’t exactly go out and purchase the Elixer of Life or unicorn’s blood if they were on their death beds, but what good was magic if it couldn’t prevent the worst sort of tragedy in the world? Especially when that tragedy resulted in a child growing up without parents.

Why didn’t her – my – family take better care of her? I still had such a hard time referring to them as _my family_. In reality, the only one I cared about was my mother. I hoped the rest of them were rotting in hell for all I cared. They had all hated her. My filthy Muggle father had abandoned her, and didn’t even care if he had a son. She was apparently good enough to have sex with, but not good enough to stay with or to be an active father figure to their son.

My mother’s family, meanwhile, wasn’t much better. I had, once upon a time, thought that they had to have been, given that I got my magical blood from them, not to mention, descended from Salazar Slytherin! Wizards were always better than Muggles, weren’t they? But no. They had turned out to be just as bad. They mistreated my poor mother and didn’t even care when she was left alone with a child on the way.

‘Served her right,’ her brother had said for marrying a dirty Muggle in the first place. So perhaps my mother hadn’t made the best choice. There were a lot of better men she could have chosen, real men who wouldn’t be afraid to take care of a child they helped bring into this world. She still didn’t deserve to be abandoned by him and left to raise me on her own.

She didn’t even get a chance to do that, because she passed away not long after she’d had me. Maybe if she hadn’t been abandoned by everyone around her, things would have been different. Maybe if she’d had people in her life that cared about her, things would have worked out. I couldn’t imagine how she must have felt, all alone with a child on the way, and having to give birth in that filthy Muggle orphanage. I probably would have died too, simply from shock at how a great witch could have been reduced to so little.

I sometimes felt a tiny bit of resentment towards my mother, but only a little, and it was usually a pretty fleeting feeling. Sometimes I wondered why I wasn’t enough to give my mother the will to live. As soon as she had me, she had to have been happy, didn’t she? Even if she had been abandoned by everyone else, at least she would have had me. It could have been us against the world. Didn’t she even want to remain on this earth for me? To make sure that I didn’t have to grow up in that Muggle orphanage?

But just as quickly as it had come, my ill feelings towards her were replaced with even stronger hatred for the rest of _my family_. It was their fault. They had driven her to such lows – forcing her to give birth in a place she was probably even disgusted to be in – and she was probably just so tired of everything.

I didn’t want to believe that she had lost the will to live, especially with me to take care of, but I couldn’t think of any other explanation for what had happened. She was a witch, after all! Surely there could have been something she could have done if she didn’t want to die. But she hadn’t. She’d left this world and me behind with it. All because my stupid family had abandoned her.

As soon as I had found out the truth – that my father was the filthy Muggle and my mother was the witch – I promised myself that I wouldn’t let the same thing happen to me. There was no way I was going to leave this world before my time. Not that I ever planned on having children – I doubted I’d ever love another human being enough for that – but I wouldn’t abandon my priorities the way my mother had either. Perhaps not human priorities, but priorities nonetheless.

It had occurred to me what a service I’d done in killing my father and grandparents, and pinning the blame on my uncle. My father’s family was only made up of foul Muggles. It was probably a miracle that he could even be my father, and truly a sign of how powerful a witch my mother really was. In that case, who would miss my father’s family? They didn’t have any other family left, so no one. My father had made sure of that the night he’d abandoned my mother.

Despite the fact that my uncle, Morfin, was a wizard, he wasn’t much better. If he could so easily mistreat and dismiss my mother just because she’d made a mistake with the wrong man, then he wasn’t that honorable either. _Served him right_ , I thought darkly, my lips curling into a smile.

It pleasured me to think about him rotting away in Azkaban, thinking that he had been responsible for murdering three people. Perhaps Morfin was a weak person, and he blamed himself for doing such a “horrible” thing. I hoped he regretted it, and I hoped he beat himself up over what he had, even more than the dementors could.

In reality, I really hadn’t done anything wrong. I’d simply ridden the world of a few Muggles and put someone into Azkaban who wasn’t fit to be walking the streets anyway. No one would miss him either, so there really wasn’t anything wrong in that, was there?

No, of course not. I’d simply disposed of people who weren’t worthy of the lives they’d had. That was all. In fact, the fact that I could do such a deed without any recourse only proved to me just how powerful I already was. Most people wouldn’t be able to do such a thing. They’d feel _guilt_ over harming another human being, especially intentionally. _That_ was a sign of weakness. As was death.

But I wouldn’t succumb to those things. Not weakness and certainly not death. Not if I could help it.

I had plans, after all. Even since finding out the truth about my parents, one thing plagued my thoughts more than any other – wouldn’t the world be a much better place without Muggles and Muggle-borns spreading the filth that they did? Even though she wouldn’t have had me, I thought about how much better my mother’s life would have been if she’d never met my father. Perhaps she wouldn’t have had her own family turn on her or died so young as a result.

Wouldn’t it be a great place if no witch or wizard ever had to run into a Muggle ever again? Wouldn’t it be a wonderful world if there were no Muggle-borns thinking they were as worthy to learn magic as the rest of us? I was half-blood, yes, but it was quite apparent to me where the power in my family came from. My mother. All my father contributed was a sperm. I got all my talent from my mother, and I got absolute shite from my father. Except for a name that I despised.

But that name would soon be no more, and neither would Muggles. I was going to do the world the biggest favor by eradicating them completely.

I had no doubt that that would be dangerous. I was sure I would run up against opposition from those who disagreed with – what they’d think was – my extreme stance. What was, in reality, my common sense views would make me a target. I couldn’t hope to go about implementing my plan until I made sure I wasn’t fallible any longer. How wonderful it would be if someone tried to kill me, and I remained standing, staring them in the face! Oh, the fear and the shock that would be present there, how I longed to see that!

The smile was still present on my face as I fell asleep.

_To be continued…_


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